My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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