I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
