The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
