I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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