masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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