I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
