I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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