I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
