New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
