hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
did i just pee glitter
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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