I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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