I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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