"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
