i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
