Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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