the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
