Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
