Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just pee around me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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