Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
