Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
