i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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