Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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