Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
