OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
