i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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