I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
