the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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