a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
