I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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