didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
