he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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