I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
