I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
