I cockslap morals
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You did what with his pubic hair?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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