The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
