You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
