I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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