We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
