Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
