this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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