i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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