meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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