i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
