Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
