just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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