fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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