Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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