I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
