You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
