am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
